Here's to living

Last week was one of those no good, horrible weeks. The kind where you feel like you can’t do anything right, where the world seems to conspire against you and you find yourself asking - what’s the point?

Rather than turn outward for help though I turned inward, allowing myself to wallow in my own insecurities, doubts and self pity.

This in turn resulted in a lot of cookie dough eating.

I will say this though, rather than let what I have now affectionately titled ‘the darkness’ consume me, I turned toward sketching. I forced myself to use the negativity for productivity to fuel my imagination to create monstereous, flesh melting creatures needed for the concept art I’m doing for an online game. I find it hard to really get the whole disturbing monster thing down when life is full of unicorns and rainbows.

And even though guilt ate me up for not devoting much needed time to this blog or Calalita Designs, I know myself well enough to not go after these things I love when battling The Darkness. Even though it pained me, taking time to clear my head and reset my priorities was vital.

The thing is, life around here lately has been a bit chaotic. Huge changes full of unknown variables are on the horizon which is a bit scary in itself but when combined with uncertainties and insecurities from just launching a business - it can all be a bit maddening.

This weekend though, I realized a simple yet profound truth. Life can be however I want it to be. Yes, there will be challenges and difficulties to face, but rather than letting those situations dictate my direction, I can choose how I want to react.

If I had wanted an easy life I would have chosen the path of least resistance. I would not have started my own business in an industry where I had to teach myself everything, in a city where it feels as though it’s not what you do, or how well you do it, but rather who you know that dictates how much you succeed. Talk about imposing. And frustrating!

Calalita Designs was born out of necessity as much as love. There has always been an unexplainable drive to prove myself as financially independent and when I suddenly found myself married, in a country where I was neither allowed nor had to work, that desire grew into an (questionably unhealthy) obsession.

I had always wanted to have my own business and do something creative so the timing seemed ripe to somehow combine the two. I mean, if I couldn’t get a job working for someone else, why not work for myself? It took me 2 years to figure out exactly what I wanted and another 6 months to get it going.

But here I am, doing what I love and trying to find my way in this big wide world. I’m not sure where this will all lead or if it will even succeed but I can’t worry about anymore. For too long, I’ve stressed out over this unnecessary pressure I’ve put on myself, thinking I have to “succeed” in a purely monetary sense. I haven’t really mentioned that because heaven forbid I sound vain, but it’s true. The need to prove myself financially independent has steered me away from the point of Calalita Designs - to do something I loved.

I’d wake up in the morning and dread having to go into the studio, or work on a new painting. And then I’d feel guilty for not loving doing what I love. Who does that? Crazy people and me. That’s who.

The pressure I put on myself wasn't real. I finally understood that it’s been nothing but useless. I’ll have to work whenever S. Monster and I move back to the States but I don’t and can’t for right now and that’s ok. I want to do what I love and not feel like it has to succeed right this very minute or I’m a failure at life.

I just want to do the best I can with what I have and know that it's enough. Maybe it succeeds, maybe it doesn’t, but that’s ok. I don’t know where this will lead, but I believe in what I’m doing and I know that I’m on the right path.

Let's face it, this is not the easiest path, and I will continue to be plagued by difficulties, but damn if I’m not prepared to fight to stay here. I want to live a creative life - not because I feel I have to - but because I want to.

Here's to living your passion and loving your life

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