Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Shot puts and pumpkins

image via

I am a neurotic perfectionist and a self sabotaging's nice to meet you. Here at casa de Furi Kuri there's currently a bit of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde going on. There's the "fun loving, happy-go-lucky, lollipops and sunshine" kind of gal and then there's the "self loathing, hates everyone, black pit of despair" cynic. The latter, if you haven't noticed, is a total mood killer. She's also a gianormous  bitch who is currently trying to ruin my life. 

 Over the past week, I've thought about writing a lot. However, as is evidenced by the complete and utter lack of content on this blog, thinking is about as far as I’ve gotten.

Every time I’ve gone to sit down I found all I could concentrate on were the crazy minute details that do not in any way matter. For example the page layout -- are 3 columns better than 2? Or on the font --- should I change the style, or the colors (yet again)? And don’t even get me started on the blog title or column content (I think I spent 30 min trying to decide what to label my links. So very sad)! I had somehow managed to convince myself that I couldn't write until these tiny details were perfect (mind you that I don’t actually know what I’m doing when it comes to decoding html or basic blog procedures so that only compounded the issues at hand)

Even as I write this I can’t believe how ridiculous it sounds! I mean honestly, who the bleepity mother bleeping bleep cares about this shite!? **

The most upsetting thing about this though is that it can be applied to numerous other areas in my life. How many times have I thought about doing something but never actually did it? How many excuses have I come up with over the years -- the timing/ mood/ condition/ etc weren’t exactly perfect – to talk myself out of doing something? How many times have I told myself that tomorrow I’ll do it, tomorrow I’ll take action…tomorrow…tomorrow….tomorrow

It's a vicious cycle. One that almost always evolves out of some sort of fear, results in some form of self sabotage, and leads to a downward spiral of apathy, self loathing and a whole bunch of negative crap. Even though I’m aware of this, whenever it starts, I feel powerless to overcome it.  I wonder if this is how Bruce Banner feels right before he turns into the Hulk…..

Perhaps it doesn’t have to come to that though. As much fun as it is to hate yourself, I’d like to think that my teenage years of angst got most of it out of my system.  That and have you seen the Hulk? I’d rather not look like a giant green beast thankyouvermuch. Especially since green isn’t really my color.

So here's to breaking free from that Mr. Hyde bitch self sabotage. To taking action - no matter how insignificant or imperfect.  So what if I can't figure out basic HTML codes without wanting to stab a fork in my computer? So what if the layout isn't glamourous and the only thing interesting I have to write about is how to shot put a pumpkin into a canal without hitting a swan? 

At least I’m actually writing, and really isn’t that what matters?


**Although let’s be honest. Even if no one cares, I still do and thus the tweaking, fixing, rearranging and changing on this blog will probably continue for a bit more…. Just down a few Jamesons before coming over and I promise you won’t even notice. ***

***Man a Jameson sounds so good right about now. Being active sure is hard….bottoms up! 

Saturday, February 13, 2010

{Baby} steps

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where...
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

2009 was a strange and surreal year of many firsts for me. Of great happiness and joy  but also of great confusion, fear, failure and uncertainty.It was my first year of marriage, of making a foreign country home, of unemployment and of feeling hopelessly and utterly lost. 

A very few of you might remember what this once sorry excuse for a blog was (or rather wasn't). I tried to write but found I had no this blog went abandoned. Until now that is. 

I deleted everything on here. A new title, a new year, a new start. Tiny baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

2010 is going to be a good year. I believe it will be a year filled with growth, courage, fearlessness, strength and prosperity. I believe that this year I'll find my voice, rediscover my passions and accomplish things I had once only timidly, wistfully dreamed of. 

So long as I keep taking steps, no matter how tiny, I'll eventually get to where I need to be.  I hope you come join me on this strange little quest (or at least drop by to say hello!). It'll be one filled with beauty, lovely designs, inspiration, misadventures, expat living and delightful randomness. 

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